Schizophrenic Poems, Short Stories, and Thoughts

Contemplating my current situation, my conclusion was that my mind was playing me for a fool. Tricky little thing, so it was. I can’t t trust my own eyes at times, and my ears do most of the lying. But my examinations told me it could be a lot worse. The broken and charred pieces of some, long lost remains…remain.  Come now and let us see what is in store.

She only came around when I was vulnerable.  It seemed she wanted to see me suffer.  But I didn’t mind, she kept me company. She said her name was Nickie and she would always be there if I needed her. There were times when I thought I was going to lose my mind, but she came to hold me till I was my self again. Then she would be gone.

When she started to show up more often, well, I didn’t mind at first. Sometimes she wouldn’t say a thing, she would just stare. At that time, it didn’t really bother me. Then she started to show up everywhere I went. She wouldn’t say anything but, she had an essence about her. It seemed like the more I tried to ignore her the more she would appear. She was no longer the friend she said I needed.

As time progressed, she would act more and more creepy like. The things she would tell me cause me to be more violent over time. She would no longer hold me when I needed her, she only wanted to get inside my head, it felt like. I started to wonder what she wanted. It was almost like a hidden agenda that she had towards me. There wasn’t much I could do about the situation.

It was getting to the point that she was telling me to do awful things. She would tell me to hurt someone or myself. That wasn’t the person I was. As they would progress the commands got to be way too much to control. I started to think she knew things that were yet to come. People that would need to be disposed of, somehow. The voices were enticing at least.

The commands were getting harder to ignore.  She was getting angry I wasn’t obeying her, although she was harder to resist. This I do admit. It was never my nature to hurt anyone, but when she was in control, I was a completely different person. Blood would pour down the walls around me, while the screams of the unseen would sound. An entrancing line of thought to incite power.

As time passed, she started to hang around most all the time. There was no getting rid of her it seemed. I honestly tried all that I could.  But to no avail, she refused to leave. I would try to close my eyes, but she would still be there. You could try to run away, and she would appear in front of you. There was just no escaping her, at all.

Alcohol to numb the pain, nonetheless I began to self-medicate whenever I could. It seemed like I would forget her, but it only made the situation worse. I would take a razor to myself ultimately. Not to die, only to make the pain stop. Alas, my doctor would give me meds do take the edge off.

The meds did what they could but didn’t completely heal the situation. It seemed like I was doomed to suffer this foul demon for the rest of my days. Is it something vague, that I’m not seeing. Is it something more? Or is it something less than what I have already seen?

Pain, it seemed, was the only thing to make her go away. She just wanted me to suffer. She would tell me things like, “do it, it’s the only way to make me stop.” And, like a fool that I was, I believed her. I would go on a rampage with a razor on my arms. It was so entrancing to see the blood flow out of my scars. Like watching your life fade into obscurity.

As time progressed, suicide seemed more and more prevalent. When it came down to it, I found 132 reasons to say goodbye. I was in a coma for four days. When I awoke, I had a different point of view on things. Life had a different glow to it. That, I believe, was the turning point in my life.

            My life is far from perfect, to say the least. My days are filled with a hell storm of mental issues. But I make the most out of what I have. I like to think, I have it under control, but ultimately, I know better. I love my life, as complicated as it may seem, with all the good and bad. I think it builds character.